Keep Laughing Forever With The Best Funny Golf Jokes And Puns!

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer.

His playing partner said, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed.” “Well”, the other guy said “I was married to her for 30 years.”

I only hit two good balls today..... when I stood on a rake

Man that dwarf is good at putting and chipping, his short game is at a different level.

Why is golf called golf?

Because f**k was already taken.

When a foursome lands their balls really close together you can say

"I haven't seen four balls that close together since Brokeback Mountain"

What should you do if your golf round is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around and hold your 1-iron above your head, because even god can’t hit a 1-iron.

The definition of a "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers... neither of whom can putt very well.

"I usually play a lot better than I am right now."

What's the difference between a fisherman and a golfer?

When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring any proof home.

A married couple were golfing when all of a sudden the wife asks,

Wife: "Babe, if I die will you marry again?"

Husband: "Of course not."

Wife: "I think you would."

Husband: "Fine, I probably will"

Wife: "Will you let her sleep in our bed?"

Husband: "Yeah, probably I guess."

Wife: "Would you even let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No way, she is left handed."

"You are late for golf again Dave."

"Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf."

"Okay, but why are you so late?"

Dave: "I had to toss it 20 times!"

Have you ever wondered how the moon got craters?

Three words... Chuck Norris golf

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "I think I will go drown myself in that lake."

Caddy: "I don't think you are able to keep your head down long enough."

Q: What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes *smack!* "shit!", however a bad skydiver goes "shit!" *smack!*

A man was practising at the range working on his swing.

A retired golf pro was sitting there and started offering him advice

"you are standing too close the ball".

The man adjusts his stance and takes another swing.

The golf pro looks up to him and repeats the same thing

"you are standing too close to the ball."

The man steps back a bit more and takes another swing.

This goes on for another 7 swings with the pro offering the same advice over and over.

Eventually, the frustrated man screams out "What the bloody helI are you talking about man!"

The old golf pro says, "no no no, you are standing too close to the ball AFTER you have hit it".

Q: Are you a scratch golfer?

A: Yes I sure am, after each shot I scratch my head and wonder where my ball went.

It takes a serious amount of balls to golf like I do.

I'm so bad at golf that I have to get my ball retriever regripped more often than my clubs.

Q: How do you know it is too wet to play golf?

A: Your golf cart starts to capsize.

Golf fact: The higher a golf players handicap, the higher the chance that he will try to tell you what you're doing wrong.

Golf balls are like eggs. They are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.

Golfer: I would move both heaven and earth to get a birdie today.

Caddie: Try heaven. You have moved most of the earth already today.

The best person to play golf with is someone who is always a little worse than you are.

If your opponent can't remember whether he shot a six or a seven on the hole, chances are he had an 8 on it.

Wife: You spend far too much time concentrating on golf!

Do you even remember the day we got engaged?

Husband: Sure I do! It was the same day I shot even par.

Scientific facts:

New golf balls have a strong attraction to water, and the power of the attraction is directly proportionate to how much the balls cost.

With golf, the slow groups are always in front of you and the quick groups are always behind you.

Golf is the only game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.

A young couple have a holiday romance and whilst they don’t know too much about one another, they decide to tie the knot and get married. After a few weeks, the man says, “babe, I have something I have to tell you. I’m a golf fanatic and I must play every day.”

“I also need to tell you something,” she replies. “I’m a hooker, and I have to do it every day.”

“That’s OK,” the man says said, “we will just play dog leg lefts.”

Q: You made an 11 on a par 3? How on earth did that happen?

A: I chipped in from the rough.

A couple of friends are playing golf and from the fairway they are walking up they can see a river in the distance. One of them turns to the other, points at the river and says "Look at those crazy people down there fishing in the rain!"

I shot one under at golf today.

One under a tree, one under a bush and one under the water.

A married couple were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes.

The husband hits a perfect drive down the middle of the fairway.

The wife then slices the second shot into the trees. Unfazed the man then plays an amazing recovery shot, which goes onto the green a foot from the pin.

The wife proceeds to smash the putt 15 feet beyond the pin. The man then lines up the long putt and sinks it. To his wife, he says, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.” “Don’t blame me,” she snaps, “I only took two of them.”